by: Mark Thomas [sorabji@paranoia.com] date: 10/13/95 11:02 PM
why does it seem like i can't remember anything that happens to me any more? i just went out, did this that and the other thing for a few hours, and now i'm home and was thinking of recounting my nights activites, but i'm drawing a blank as to what happened. i know i played pinball at the broadway arcade. i thought i would revive my unconsummated bimbo-fetish by giving everything i had to the Baywatch pinball machine. you see i actually have this idea that if i sit, i mean stand, in that arcade long enough, and if i get good enough on the Baywatch pinball machine, I don't think i'll meet any braindead buxom baybees, but i think what will happen is david letterman will descend upon the arcade with one of his mobile travelling bands of guys who pick people at random for worldwide fame, and they'll spot me playing the Baywatch pinball machine and Dave will be prepared to think that it's a funny thing, the Baywatch pinball machine, and he will see me playing it and he will yell "uh, sir? sir, my name is david letterman. we noticed you playing the pinball machine there, you appear to be quite good at it, let's see, what kind of pinball machine is this?" and then they'll show it and the audience will roar with laughter and dave will say "excuse me, sir, but is that the Baywatch pinball machine you're playing?" and i won't say anything but i will shake my head vigorously in approval and dave will think i'm on acid or something and he'll say "why Baywatch, sir? is that your favorite pinball machine?" and i'll shout as loud as i possibly can "YES!" and dave will be taken aback and the audience will be wondering what the fuck is going on, there will be that certain whirlwind of uncertainty that spins through the laughter of an audience that realizes at some point that the joke is on them. but the joke will not be on them, really, this will be REAL COMEDY, real PRESSING THE FLESH kind of insanity that you just hope will happen when dave goes out into the streets like that. so dave will say "why Baywatch?" and i will shout as loud as i possibly can "BECAUSE I WANNA GET LAID, DAVE! I PLAY BAYWATCH PINBALL SO I CAN MEET BIMBOS AND GET LAID!" and the audience will either be howling or dave will have moved on, but either way i will then grab the videocamera and bring it right up to my squirrel-face and yell "HEY! I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE! WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE TONIGHT?" and then i'll just bust out laughing and everyone will know it was somehow planned but nevertheless spontaneous. that's what'll happen. as someone said in Time magazine recently, some people work all their lives for fame, others seem to attain it with no effort; still other are picked seemingly at random by david letterman. well, i've got my random moment all planned out, i just have to stay cool and stick to the baywatch pinball machine. the thing about pinball that has always repelled me is that it is so patently obscene, and so blatantly suggestive with all those flippers jerking back and forth and all that pelvic thrusting that players indulge in; i think the most obviously phallic moment in pinball is when the player holds the flipper upright and lets the ball remain poised near the wedge at the base of the flipper. it is so obviously a cock and balls that it's impossible to think of anything else once you've noticed. i know people who have said that it's not the adolescent ejaculation-fest that i contest it is, but rather it is an arena for control and even power over the wild oats of of the pinball boards. i agree that there is that opportunity for such restraint, but that a visit to your typical arcade does not summon such visions of dignity, but rather savage acts of subconscious, nasty fucking played out against the teasing, twinkling and moaning croaks of the pinball machine.