I'm here in Tx reading your fuck up as web site which is holding my fucking attention for some unknown bizzare reason I feel kindred to the site as if it's the nickel I lost years ago as a kid at thr bill hanes carnival
Yeah kinda tastefull yet bland with the rigomortus
of urban funk...
Yeah
urbangreek

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deciding not to leave the apartment this weekend. i have zero motivation, lots of long-lost gear, and it looks like ass outside.

i also found a great creole restaurant that delivers some bad-ass jumbalaya and gumbo to my neighborhood.

the farthest i plan to venture is downstairs to the liqour store to get some more tequila and margarita mix.
i may have to make a quick trip out to brooklyn, but i'll probably put that off, too.

january is drunken lazy bastard month.

life is good.

going to get the words "holy shit" tatooed across my forehead because i've said it so many times in the past few days.

my best friend was institutionalized yesterday. he's the aforementioned delusional one. his parents came and packed him up and took him away. his last comments to me were that he would never come back to berkeley and questions about my involvement in some fantasy conspiracy. i asked to give him a hug goodbye. he refused and left. and that is the end of vahid. i don't think i will ever hear from him again. i remember when i had a nervous breakdown and i didn't want anyone in my life who reminded me of the shit i went through. i was just reading back on a previous entry, the day before i left here at the end of the summer. i wrote about how i was lying on vahid's bed and prayed for berkeley to swallow me up. the only thing left in vahid's room is his bed now. i spent a while curled up on it, remembering those infinitely long summer days when the city was ours and nothing could stop us. i wonder what the hell happened.

i noticed for the first time last night that you cannot see the stars in berkeley. the sky is perpetually bright, a victim of light pollution, smog, and constant fog. this made me very sad.

today was actually sunny and happy. i worked phone at the local npr affiliate and had a fantastic time. i chilled with the awesome employees and talked politics. the callers were fun, too; one guy screamed at me because he felt that npr was getting corrupt and commercialized, and one pledger told me all the great hiking around here. dennis, my coordinator, gave me job information. it would be so sweet to work for npr.

then i bought a bunch of avocados, cheap.

today is a good day.

1/23/99, 11:08 PM
Liz Ordones is:

are you wiyh someone I don't reallt know how this thing works OOKKK

just got home from one of them rock 'n' roll concerts. that rock 'n' roll i'm tellin' ya it's gonna make all the kids start worshipping the devil.

i was off at side stage all night boogie-in' down with a few strays who just like to let loose with a little room. after a while a couple sorta inched into my space, which i was happy to share. her boyfriend could really dance and we did that thing that happens when people are dancing together even if you never look each other in the eyes, if you never touch, but yet you groove together nonetheless. eventually his girlfriend wedged herself between us, separating his energy from mine. she even touched me said something to me, but the speakers were there, too loud, her mouth gaping with words i couldn't understand, but it was probably something like stop mesmerizing my boyfriend.

i didn't say a word and just kept on dancing.

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. . . sore from trail riding, and feeling fat.

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finished reading all the recent entries.

Still feel fat.

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wishing the last 45 minutes of work would hurry up and be over. What are they thinking making us call clients on the night before school. Don't they realize they have kids to toss in the bath, get the lunches ready and make sure all the homework is done? Yikes..

Not wanting to struggle in New York today.

Wanting to go home and have a piece of pizza.

Wanting to have sex.

Dangerous sex.

Hmph.

Still at work, coding like a motherfucker.

Wondering how everyone here is. Haven't been here is a long, long time. Looking for the Orifex disc I left lying around here somewhere. Wanting to go to the bathroom, but not really interested in getting up at this moment.

Ride the DS3 baby, Ride.

Feeling simply sleepy in the PC lab... waiting for my next tutorial...(Yawn)
...just drop in to view some paranoid stuff to keep my drowsy mind awake

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enjoying my second cup of coffee this morning. It's stuff I brought from home, not that nasty swill they make downstairs.

Yesterday was my first weekend day in at least a month where it wasn't raining. I celebrated by spending the whole day outdoors doing things I'd put off due to the weather.

Thursday I decided to stop thinking and start acting on my desire go back to school and get my degree. If I can pull it off in five years I'll be happy. The lady at the outreach center must think any adult that walks into her office asking about programs is a backwards-ass-country-fuck. She was so patronizing I was tempted to tell her what I do for a living and how much it pays... and that I don't have to write a grant every year to justify my own salary.

I thought better of it and decided it would be easier just to choke her.

I thought better of that, and decided to just take the info and leave the office. She's not the one I'll have to work with anyway.

It's gotten frosty out again. Yay. Time to finish that coffee and get down to business.

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single

oh no.

shall we hope it is temporary?

taking a moment of your time to watch the bald eagles outside my window.

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Slacking off before the huge data entry fest this afternoon, as i type in artifact after artifact after artifact...You never see Indiana Jones doing this crap, what a lousy excuse for an archaeologist he is. Calvin got it right when he said "Archaeologists have the most mind-numbingly dull job on the planet." However, it's also one of the most fun, too.

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http://www.angelfire.com/mi/heyshutuprecords

floating in a mist of random thoughts ...
my friend's boyfriend killed himself wednesday, locked himself in a garage with the car on.
My roommate slashed his wrist two nights ago... he survived thank goodness.
He got sulfuric acid burns from a battery yesterday, had to leave the boyfriend to help him out.
The boyfriend that he can't know about or he'll go crazy
The neighbors cat is in heat again... it thinks singing at my window will get it some.
Gameboys are the most evil device ever made.
Oh, and there's my boss.. guess i should work

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wondering what exactly nate means by "single." single as a reference to the fact that you are one person?

i am late for school. missed the bus again. we ripped up the carpets in our living room yesterday, it looks a world nicer. dave got a new computer desk, too, so typing is much more comfortable.

simon, i wish you the best of luck with your school. i went back for my bachelor's at age 27. people can indeed be very condescending, i agree. once you are enrolled and doing well, they will all go away.

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welcoming nate to the wonderful world of bachelordom.

just as long as you keep your fridge stocked with beer, your bathroom relatively clean, and remember to take out the garbage once in a while, you should be just fine.

sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't.
either way, cold beer and sticky kaya does wonders to retain one's serenity.

good luck.

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Amen to that Blindswine, I will testify! Having been a chaste man myself for the last four years, I find that there are other things in life besides the great chase after love and sex that are worth spending time on. (Beer and the occasional visit from Keith Green Help)

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hang in there nateness. and give us the gory details.

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agreeing whole-heartedly with semillama. (is that like being a dalai lama in training?)

not only is the great chase after love and sex time-consuming, it's also pretty damn expensive. the woman i was planning on "getting into it" with is already trying to milk me for trips to atlantic city and we haven't even really gone out on a proper date yet.

i'm gonna have to break it to her that i have absolutely no intention of picking up the tab for any trips to atlantic city...

besides, with the new yamaha cs2x coming out and the used akai mpc2000 that's for sale, all my money is already ear-tagged.

although keyboards and midi-production centers don't do much in the way of warm hugs and wet kisses, in the long run they're much more reliable.

i'm thinking i'm much better off staying single.

Telling glorious Natorious that if he changes his mind & decides to give the fairer sex another try,
I'm First In Line!

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

And e-mailing strangers from the
WAYD board. Seems like many folks are having a very rough day. But remember: "This shit, too, shall pass."

And sending some love to Aggie/who has been missed 'round these parts of late.

xoxo, Agatha!

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selling toilet paper to others in the house for a dollar a roll.

mediating house crises (dogs tip over jamil's two-day-old motorcycle, jamil tries to kill dogs, i throw myself on dogs).

writing cover letters.

feeling the love for this place creep in. whoa, i got scared for a little while there.

yeah, now i'm home. i mean it this time.

1/25/99, 10:25 PM
Dani is:

Single Nate??

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welcome back, my big daddy.

Come to mama

http://members.tripod.com/~RidinBareBack/index.html

With Ridin on this one! Oh happy day..

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Thinking that our Blindswine is the King of Disillusionment @ Sorabji these days. (You weren't referring to Miss GTCD there/ were you? Say it isn't so!) But glad to see he's not so blinded as to let hisself get played. (Cuz we can't be having & *that*, my Brotha'!)

Thinking Swine shd concentrate instead on his impending Unclehood & stuff to buy for The New Baby. (Babies need tons of gear -- trust me. And if they make you Godfather/the expenses NEVER end!)

And thinking that I am a tad too old to be mud wrestling Ridin or Dani for the chance at Nate's affections.

(Oh well... another dream deferred.)

Thinking that all the really cool guys are taken. Or swearing off women. Or in rehab... (And didn't I get a call just his afternoon from a rehab clinic I faxed my resume to!)

La vie est tres strange. Ou peut- etre/c'est juste moi...



(G'nite Mark... Keep warm/wherever in NY you are.)

my shrink greeted me five minutes late. she wore a blue floppy panda hat, humongous blue 70's style glasses that covered most of her forehead all the way to her cheeks, a lavender shirt under a tan mexican poncho, jeans, and blue suede pumps.

i knew instantly it was going to be fun.

no couch, but i did get to sit on a large soft leatherette recliner with a pillow behind my back.

we covered a lot of ground in an hour. my notoriously failed relationships, my panic attacks, my self esteem, weight fluctuations, current status of familial relations, sexuality, and the theft incident, which i have never confessed to anyone. ever. she made it incredibly easy for me to spill it all out. i can tell already that there will be many layers and veils and lies to uncover.

my assignment for the next meeting is to explain to her what i want my life to be like versus what my life is like now.

the most exciting part came at the end. she asked me if i would consider drug therapy. after spending one hour with me the woman recommended DRUG THERAPY. i told a big fat lie and said that i was very picky about the drugs i take, even things like aspirin. oh my god i'm laughing my ass off right now just thinking about how incredibly ludicrous that lie really was. but the truth is, when she wrote the words "prozac" and "praxil" and "zolof" on a sheet of paper and mentioned the psychiatrist on staff, i got a little nervous. i drove home considering for the first time in my life that i might actually be psychotic - followed by visions of the zombie version of me drugged up on looney pills.

when i got home i ate a huge bowl of ice cream and did yoga for an hour and a half. at this moment i don't feel particularly crazy, just incredibly tired. either way, i can tell this therapy stuff is going to be one far-out mind fuck.

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WHoah! one hour and she's already recommending drugs? Sounds like you need a second opinion. Sounds like you need a new psychiatrist. My mom's a social worker and she would never, ever recommend drug therapy after so little time with a patient (albeit, she can't prescribe either). Be careful.

(by the way, Semillama actually refers to the llama blood I get from my great-great-great Irish grandmother. I still have, in a vial on my desk.)

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What in the hell is a Celtic homo sapiens doing with South American camelidae blood?

yes

Cu Chulainn, some things even I don't want to talk about, but let's just say the phrase "the horror of eldritch vengeance" applies. It may be the reason great great grand-dad came to America, while his brother became a priest. By the way, what are you doing out of your sick bed? Did Shane MacGowan's prayers actually work?

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in need of a new job.

just took a look at my retro-active salary increase.

i'm getting played like tetris.

if i wanted to get fucked like this, i'd have taken that job with merrill-lynch where they actually pay you well for making you bend over on a daily basis.

this shit sucks.

semillama-

it was just a ruse shane and i kept up, for all i had was a heroic hangover.

he comes to see me every so often and makes me tea and sings "the town i love so well".

planning to wait up until 3 a.m. to watch Martha Stewart.

This morning she had instructions on how to give your ferret a bath (as is customary, she was assisted by a handsome hunk of a certain age who just happened to specialize in ferret bathing) and i stayed up for that, too, because i'm worth it.

I wonder who their target audience is at 3 a.m.?

I am talking to a freak....she is a very cool freak...she is a freak I understand..cuz I think I am a freak too. Together we are happy freaks...in a freaky world...

it also helps, to have a really cool bubba....our bubba's name is CJ....

he has four legs but has no idea he is a dog..he has a pet too, a little fat white furball named Kasper,,who thinks she owns him...

but really who owns who..and what to where...should we care...I think not...

I am back...once again.

The Golden Boy

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Wondering if Semillama really has her great-great-great grandmother's blood in a vial.

Reminds me of my great-grandfather who lost an eye in a tragic accident. We had his eyeball mounted as a ring.

I wear it to parties as a conversation piece.

Anyone else use human parts for ornaments or jewelry? Any fingertips or nipples worn as necklace charms? Tonsils on display in aquariums?

thinking about how my refrigerator lightbulb went out about three years ago. It's still dark in there.

I think what Brother Nate really needs is a trip into the mountains.

Well, actually, it's not granny's blood, but llama blood, and I am a "His" not a "her", but thanks for the compliment.

10 more inches of snow today!

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Whoa.. blast from da past!! Is sitting here sipping her coffee and checking out da board, missing her Danilezbolovergirl sumptin awful and her Ridingirlie.

Oh where has the time gone? I swear it seems the older I get, the faster time flies.

Oh joy! I have lived yet another day. *grins*

BTW.. Im meeting Firemedic for yet another wild weekend of SEX SEX SEX in San Diego (nudges Ridin).. wanna get drunk girl?? I'll bring da Alize!! hehe

Why Firemedic (you may ask?) Well.. I said to myself "Self: who makes you delireously happy and can break your heart all at the same time?" and my Self responded "Firemedic -- and do you know why I put myself thru the pain and heartache? CUZ DAT BOY LOOKS DAMN FINE IN A PAIR OF JEANS.. OR NEKKID!!!! DAT WOULD BE WHY!!! hehe

Lovergirl.. he is one boy that would jump WAAAAAYYYYY to the top of our infamous list.. hehe.. no ticket required..

Anyways.. back to the drudgery of my life..

All da love, Danigirl

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Cursing this vile and evil thing called winter.

I want sunshine and warm beaches and naked bodies intertwined with each other and the scent of coconut suntan lotion and loud music outdoors and an ice cold beer.

Right now I'm looking a shitty looking snow piled up around the cars in the parking lot thinking "God, this place sucks!" It's only January and that means at least 6 more weeks of gawdawful winter.

I've got to find a place in sunny California!

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http://www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/7352

telling woodstock that sorry, man, cali is cold as an eskimo's ass right now. and wet. very wet.
(actually, today was nice. first nice day in weeks.)

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To all you skeptics who think I'm not the "Martha Stewart type", there is a reason for my love-hate obsession with her. For those of you who don't already know, here it is:

A couple of years ago the sister of a dear friend asked if I would cater her daughter's wedding. Instead of just doing my regular thing, I went to the library and took out Martha Stewart's Weddings Book. Good thing I didn't buy it. I was so overstimulated from reading the book that I prepared the "audition" food Her Way. It was met with loud applause and on the spot the bride's mother wrote me a non-refundable booking fee check for $500.

I had already invested a ridiculous amount of time and money in the project, expecting that there would be a huge number of guests and I would make not only the $$$ but my reputation as a caterer for private events.

The check bounced, and that was when I found out that the wedding had been postponed/cancelled because the groom to be was in fact married already, to someone other than the intended bride. The invitations had been printed, the flowers ordered, the menu selected and the church reserved. Even as he sat there stuffing his fat face with my food during the presentation, he knew there wasn't going to be a wedding.

I blame it all on Martha. This would have never happened to her. She made me do it.