crying

because i am so, so mentally wrecked

i stopped inhaling burning tobacco 3 weeks ago

but it seems like 3 centuries ago

and i am tired, and grumpy, and i loathe life

because every 30 seconds, the addiction fairy sprinkles her magic craving dust all over me

and i have to stop having fun

and think very, very hard about how much i want nicotine in my brain

this sucks.

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Good for you,think of the money you will save! Miss Thing was so proud to get new clothes,I love her,today she was an angel...all day.All she needs is someone to pay attention to her.She is afraid of men,some man has hurt her,probably her real dad.

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avoiding getting down to brass tacks and working.

hey mark, don't mind sadie. she's just a spirited teenager.

thinking that she shouldn't be ignored just because she's a teenager. SOmeday I'll be in a position where I'll be in charge

sadie, don't take it personally. he ignores nearly everyone.

at low ebb. trying to
figure out how to get the
tide to rise.

at low ebb. trying to
figure out how to get the
tide to rise.

but seemingly stuck at
the same point....

drinking rum.

I bought 24 bottles of wine today.

Up your bum.

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just took my first gander at the lovely Cat.

Yes, lovely. Don't tell me anyone is surprised.

And in case anyone thinks she's making it up about living in Oz, well, the scenery really looked like there - you know, the combination of light green and brown...

need more coffee....

suggestion for sadie. enjoy your youth while you have it. "being in charge" has an inflated reputation.

wondering why my mom killed my pets

thinking everything I say or write is a form of manipulation.

wondering if anyone ever died of toothache or am I going to be the first?

Woe is me.

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significantly more
buoyant. what a
difference a day, and
several hours sleep, can
make. too doo cachooga,
walliwashee bo. pleith
gunk minzlgorp vili vili ho.

just got notification that I have been bumped from doing a paper at the big nat'l confereence to a poster, which is like 10 times more work. ugh. I don't have the best system here to do such a thing either. Good thing I've done it before or else I wouldn't know what to do!

I am still trying to figure out in my head how to leap from an oral presentation to a purely visual one.

I waiting for the people on the camera to show us their bums.

Crabby.

My DSL line was supposed to be up in my new place last Friday. I keep getting promises that it'll be done "Tomorrow."

Argh. It's always something. Maybe it'll really happen tomorrow.

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i'll do your poster sem, if you write my paper

i can even print it for you, 3' x ???

but i would definitely be getting the better end of the bargain

Poking around at http://half-empty.org .
Fun stuff. Time to go home.

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impatient.

I talked to the dsl people. Gonna wire it my own damn self.

The guy who taught one of my math classes got hired where I work... weird. They're ditching almost all the adjunct teachers here because they're idiots with money.

It's interesting working with him. Role reversal. Nice guy.

I'm also developing an addiction to half-empty.org.

Yeah.

So ECW (Extreme Championship Wrasslin), is going under. Where else are we gonna turn for table slamming, trashy woemn and chainsaw matches? Well...maybe the front lawn of the White House, now that Wubya is in.

searching various websites for verbiage entered by me and feeling like i don't ever want to post another word....

standing right on the edge... wondering if i fit in... just like in life....

would i be missed?

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yes

clicking and clicking trying to get into my mail account. Defeated at every turn.

There had better be something good there after all this unbelievable agony. At least some nakey pics. But it's probably just a ton of incredible offers to make money whilst I cruise the internet.

whocaressinceican'tgetin

just officially finished grad school application #1. on to grad school application #2. whew. too much work for the damn application imagine the work. one year and then you get a masters, but do they tell you that it is one year of absolute hell?

downloading grad school applications. what a coincidence

Endlesly roaming the web !

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Student teacher here with kids trying to get you to wave at camera

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thinking this is not the best website for a student teacher to be showing her students.

Unless subversion of authority (and unexpected nekkid pictures) is your ulterior motive.

I'm wondering how such a tiny little girl can take such huge dumps twice a day.

Good bless Czarina,the voodoo dolls came yesterday,I have already put one to use,yea fat ass,it's got your name on it,just in time for court,you little mommas boy satan want to be,you with your symbols and devils.I hope you have fun in jail,I'd wish for you to get punked out,but I know you'd like it,I always had you down for closet kinky,huh Spanky.You belong to me Fatty!!!!

J, don't call people Fatty.

"Festering pile of fly-ridden pig vomit" is a-ok, however.

eating sushi and not thinking about pig vomit at all. Not one bit.

needing a new big picture.

c'mon, man.

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ecstatic!!!!

a good friend and his wife just brought into the world a healthy baby boy....named Miles!!!!!

can't beat that with a stick!

Playing hooky from my
winterterm Eurythmics
class at Oberlin
college... I'm not a
conservatory person,
just a mere mortal who
plays funk music on
the electric bass; why
do they expect me to be
able to sight-sing on
command? Whine,
whine, whine...

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going to have to work saturday (again!!). oh well, that's what i get for taking off on wednesday.

Burning Hal a CD of kiwi music. Go me! I'm such a slackass - it's taking me since b4 xmas to get myself organised.

I did a 15 hour day at work this week. No lunch break - sitting in one place - yuck.

Gonna get myself rip-roaringly drunken to relax. Only big question I have is what the hell should I drink?

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Finally, finally finally.

back on line at home.

had some more bad news last night. Our family cat of 16 years, Gretzky (AKA Gretz, Skee, Skeezer, Skeezer Pleaser), died this week. Poor kitty. He was teh best for hugging and was full of love. For a while over xmas break, I became semi-convinced that he was the second coming of Jesus, but now I guess not. Farewell, old friend.

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Sem, sorry about your cat.

warm in the halo of an unwooded chardonnay with a chaser of tawny port.

You're all beautiful people, even dave.

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working in d.c. surrounded by inauguration stuff. what a yawn. the subway was jammed with women wearing full length fur coats and faux ten gallon hats that looked like they came from some boutique. and let's not forget the gigantic buttons with the trained monkey's picture on them.

i'm working for six hours. then i'm going home and getting back in bed.

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gettign ready to check out what Columbus has to offer a swingin' batchelor like myself.

Trying to keep the vomit down after watching part of the inauguration of teh new commander-in-thief.

Hey Sem,
I believe that's inhogurartion.
yes, it is most revolting.
'time to hurl'

Just touch my cheek before you leave me bay-bee.

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Ok, what the hell is thatscreen capture from on the cam? I know i've seen it.

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suffering from insomnia.....

happy I've escaped from Hell....aka Perkin's Family Restaurant. Let me asure you the behind the scenes at that place isnt very family friendly. Let's see the mother explaining sexual harassment to their kids.

that's the way ah huh ah huh I like it ah huh ah huh.

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my head is spinning from the flu and i'm scared ... i turned on the tv and i see ricky martin and christina aguilera in a video. who's been watching this tv? where's the remote? where's the puffs plus?

it's going to be a long four years.

If I had a womb and was black, it would be an eternity.

frittering & wasting my hours in an offhand way

thinking how great it is to be an independent consultant. you get paid by the hour to fix things that the employees of your client have been screwing up for years and don't even want to touch. since they don't want to do the work, they're content to wait a long time for it because you have to be taught how to do it (are you all still with me?). anyway, there's lot's of dead time; time for reading, surfing the web screwing around here and phone calls. i love getting paid.

wondering what semillama is talking about

EEEEYAA! Tree! TREE! blort blort blort



Try wondering about that one, baybee!!

I'm here to serve!

yikes

aggression


nevermind. i'll go back to wondering about the order of things

who's being aggressive?

hee-wack!

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unable to keep my tongue away from the edge of this tooth

i chipped a tiny crescent from the bottom of my canine [?] and my tongue seems to be very attracted to the two tiny rough points that it left behind

Blobbity Blobbity, Fnord.

Happily eating apple
seeds

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http://noushka.diaryland.com

it is an irrefutable(?) law of nature that the tongue is inexorably attracted to anything inside the mounth that will cut or scrape it.

i was worried about irrefutable. i can't even spell "mouth".

I started scraping my tongue involuntarily across the bottoms of my incisors while reading Joe's first post.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

i started doing that
when I read Heathers.

eek

Listening to Corrupted. The song is 73 minutes long. 10:40 at night. tuesday, january 23 2001. falling in love with... someone. now i worship cyndi lauper as a goddess.

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So on Friday night, I'm waiting at the train and this nice pretty girl comes by and waits for the train. When it comes, she makes some sort of "hooray" comment and I start to talk with her. I talk with her for 25 minutes. She's a pre-med major at a nearby university. She was born in Romania but emigrated when she was 4. Black hair, brown eyes, wearing all black including cute little leather gloves. Knows Romanian, speaks some Mandarin, and maybe some other languages. Wow! She works as a hostess at a local restaraunt. We go back and forth and she gets off at her stop. We shake hands and it's over. I think, "hmm. probably could have gotten her number, but didn't want to feel like a jerk."

I mention if I am in the area I will say hello, she says "please do." and I have a general idea what her work schedule at the restaraunt is. Two old ladies ask me about the conversation she and I just had and one comments twice how she was a "beautiful girl." Dang, now that piqued my interest.

So I was in Portland today and stopped by the restaraunt two times. She was scheduled to start working at 5:00 and I stopped by once to see if she was there and see when she'd be in, and the once hoping she'd be there. No go. Rather than look like a heel, I decide to catch the train home.

So maybe I'll go there on Friday or Saturday night, one of her other nights that she works. I'm thinking I can at least have lunch with this fascinating gal. Wish me luck!

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http://skylab.org/~ryan/?s

totally thinking Im adopted.

planning my divorce. wow, this is complicated.

going to Madison tonight.

Gotta catch a 7:15 flight to Detroit, whereupon I board another one for Columbus.

Then I have what seems to be shaping up to be the most informal interview of my life. I get the feeling that the job is all but mine, but I can't count on that. There may be a scheduling problem since I think thye may want me to start in March and I can't leave here any earlier than the end of April, as I may have to exhume a historic burial of a stillborn infant this spring.

Hope they wnat me bad enough to wait! Or, if this falls through, the Minneapolis company may want me. Who knows what may happen?

mentally going over
ideas for a bass solo
on "footprints," which is
to be played tomorrow
with a harpsichordist,
an opera-singing voice
major, and a
conspicuously absent
drummer. This is
surely the future of
jazz...

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The vodoo doll didn't work,but I guess I was supposed to have burned it at midnight on a full moon,anyway it's going to happen,it's just taking longer than I thought.Maybe it's bad Karma for using the doll and saying the F** word,but I'm wanting Sarah to know that I found pleasure in calling him that because in part the cruel bastard liked to pick on and make fun of people like that,he'd go right up to them and ask them how long did they work to get like that,and then to see him get like that,and to know it really bothers him.. the girl can't help it.I'm thinking there is a good chance I'll get Alecia back as her mom is probably going to go to jail for stealing her boyfriend's mother's roomates credit card and running up two thousand dollars on it,the roomate has been alerted by the bank and she knows all about it.They are staying with the boyfriends mom,so it will be easy for the cops to find the shitbag.I miss that tiny dancer.

craving Ihop food, namely a big ol' plate of pancakes with a big dollop of cool butter on top of the stack and a liberal dousing of maple syrup. One of those attractive but not really flavorful omelettes stuffed with shredded potatoes, peppers and cheese. And sausages..oh yes those lovely links of savory artery clogging pig shreddin's stuffed in a length of intestines coated in the overflow of maple syrup.
J, sorry about Alecia, I was pullin' for ya, blast. Is there a millionaire somewhere who'd pay her skunky mother to have her tubes tied? I'm sure there's a bundle of dough just lying in wait for the person who can invent a new and improved, lightweight, poly lycra fire resistant plastic duPont chastity belt with a computer lock. Some folks really ought to be sentenced to celibacy in a family court of law til as such time they grow-up and learn how to treat the kids they've got before they go off and make anymore. Tell a five year "lockdown" wouldn't straighten out a lot of folks! The belt would be like underwear, for males and females.


Ahem.

Feeling quite imaginative today as you can all surely tell.

a putz.

Also, I am waiting extremely impatiently for UPS packages.

Ordered some DJ equipment. Gonna give it a try. After a bit, if I get good, I'll have to make some CDs for you all to grimace at.

I need to settle down on this paranoid everyone-hates-me thing. I don't know where it's coming from.

And I bounced a handful of checks. Dammit Dammit.

Argh. I need to get out or something.

Blah!

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Tired. Logged on to find at least 220 Indians are dead in a quake. And who knows how many fried in a dying plane in Venezuela. Amazed I can spell Venezuela. The discipline never leaves when you want it to. Always editing and correcting and boring myself rigid with the rules of writing when there should be just words reaching out effortlessly.

And what was I doing while all these people were screaming in agony? Probably conducting some meaningless inner dribble with the myselfs about grammar or useless things that will not save lives or even give them the drink of water on their cross.

(Insert Chardonnay-aided-and-abetted thoughts of disasters)

Where were you when someone asked you where you were when the Challenger fireworked into cascading crap?

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Down with the idea that stupid people shouldn't breed. Everyone should have to pass an IQ test before they procreate.
Hey Cat, I wsa in the the fifth grade doing English, when someone ran into the room and told us about the shuttle. Never forget it.

wondering why sadie would wonder, even for a microsecond, if she was adopted. hmmm??

enjoying a 5:30 P.M.
breakfast of caramel
candies and gingerale
. . . thinking about a
certain sexy someone
on the other side of
campus . . . toying with
the idea of going
through the entire day
without bathing

wondering if Mark died how would anyone on this site know. And would everyone just keep posting?

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looks very likely that I will be moving to columbus in March. The interview went well, and I felt like I immediately fit in with the people in the company. Full benefits, cool owners, lots of travel, chance to live in a real city again and go see live music whenever I want, yippee!!!

I am sort of sad that no one ever came down to expressly visit me here in Wisconsin, however, aside from my parents. There'll be even less of a chance of that in Columbus, but hey, I guess I'll have to make new friends there. It's a lot more likely than doing so in ButtCrack, Wis.

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Can you hear the drums?

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sadie, you haven't answered my question.

I'm wondering who that m is and why the divorce? I want to know why Brittney had a sock on her arm at the half-time show,and why Ben Stiller didn't try to put his head in Steve Tylers mouth,he could have.I wonder why I'm too dumb to figure out the scrabble game.I wonder if Amee and Jerry will come over on their lunch break?I wonder if Droopy got his seat fixed.I wonder why I'm so nosey.

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hey j, long time no read. how's everything going? how's the adoption? would love to hear fromyou.

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thinking that both of her parents are too weird to have made her:P

gee, i wonder what sadie's getting (or not getting) for her 18th birthday>

CHALLENGER - January 28, 1986.

it started for me when the bell rang ending 6th period. we had 4 minutes between classes, but my 7th period was free. exiting building B and intending to go to the library i saw an underclassman sputter to his friend "dude, the space shuttle blew up." the friend answered "fuck, really? that's so cool."

i knew there was supposed to be a launch that day but they'd become routine and i'd gotten so used to them that there was no more escapism to be had.

earlier that day a friend and i, in a conversation in which he mimicked his father and i mimicked the newspaper stories his father mimicked, lamented the fact that NASA never went to the moon any more.

i didn't go to the library. i went out into the quadrangle, walking toward the statue of Mary holding the Child Jesus. i turned to the north and saw the remains of the space shuttle sprawled out across the sky. it was the pattern of smoke and fire that the networks and cable channels replayed over and over and over for the next 15 years.

i knew this was bad but i didn't know why. i couldn't comprehend the pitifulness of it all, that space was all out there and humans were so great but we could barely break the surface without destorying ourselves, or that there was a time when NASA made the people proud but that in my lifetime it is kind of a joke.

i spent the rest of 7th period gaping at the explosion and writing a letter to a girl i'd met the summer before. i told her that the Challenger had just blown up and that i could see the smoke trails evaporating up above and that there was nothing else to say. she never wrote back, and i've always imagined her receiving that card and rolling her eyes and muttering about how a guy will say anything and use any excuse to get out of writing a letter.

it is what happened next, though, that i remember above the rest. i attended a jesuit high school, on the day the Challenger exploded my 8th period class was Drama, and in the second half of 1986 Drama class happened to be conducted by the school Chaplain. he was a foul-mouthed Jesuit. in fact, he is the reason i can not think of the Jesuits or think of a Jesuit priest without adding the term "foul-mouthed" to the sentence. people assume i get my potty-mouth from living in new york for 10 years but in fact i learned the vulgar, visceral art of angry, spit-charged cussing from my high school Chaplain.

Drama class carried on without incident. the Chaplain started right into the lecture before anyone could say anything, and no one mentioned the explosion (the smoke of which was still clearly visible from our classroom). the Chaplain sputtered through the motions of educating us about Oedipus and hubris and the glorious theater, throwing in some useless references to whose-ever Saint Day it was.

but at 10 minutes before the class was to end he interrupted himself in mid-sentence. he sat sulking in the teacher's chair and pouted for a moment, then ripped in to a diatribe i never forgot.

he said "the goddam principle told me i had to lead the fucking school in a fucking prayer for the goddam space shuttle. so i have to let the fucking class out early. such a bunch of fucking bullshit." he twiddled his thumbs and you could see the spit fly from his lips. he was full of dispeptic, self-absorbed insolence, and he still was the last time i saw him 2 years ago when i drove through the old high school campus and saw him there.

he whisked us all out of his classroom. as he walked to the principle's office to lead the school in prayer from the PA system i walked in step across the quadrangle to the statue of Mary where I sat on a marble bench near the spot where i first saw the smoke from the explosion. on that spot i heard the chaplain lead the school in a sarcastic, bitter, pissed off prayer in which he mentioned himself 3 times, in which he mentioned the fact that the principle had demanded his services at this time, in which he made incongruous references to what Saint Day it was, in which he just wanted to get the hell out of there but he felt obligated to drag it out for the full 5 minutes which remained in the school day so that none of us got a free ride out of the deal.

i could feel the 4-letter words bristling through his teeth and between the lines of his so-called prayer, and through all of what he said out loud all i could feel crawling through the campus was a whole lot of fuck and shit and goddam and cocksucker and piss and asshole and fuck and shit and fuck and shit and fuck and shit.

this post is too long. but that is the only way i ever thought about that challenger explosion: it must have made for a lot of pissed off priests. pissed off foul-mouthed priests and their potty-mouthed congregation.

Happy Birthday Bumrush.

May your day be filled with non-stop joygasms and funcapades.

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just so J knows:

I got a new seat for my chair -
the Otto Bock "The Cloud"
which utilizes the very latest
in butt-cushioning technology
"floam" - fluid foam
which is lined up in a row of
polyurethane bladders
like squishy breast implants
and shapes itself
and therefore cradles
lovingly
my ass

every ass should have one
nate, for example
$416 american
from germany
all the really good
handicapped stuff
comes from germany

living without expletives.

today i said "oh, shoot" when the internet went down around here, and felt ever so slightly uncouth for even that euphemistic expression...

wistfully thinking about going back to sleep.

Since I am at work, this is not an option.

We had an ice storm last night, and it took me twice the normal time to get here.

There is somethign about inclement weather that makes you want to sleep in, then drink hot chocolate all day.

Alas, 'tis not to be.

Turning out to be a good day. I got offered the job in Columbus, found out that one of my old advisors is writing a paper on the research done at the site I did my master's work on, and I am getting co-authorship (third out of 6 names, right behind the professors!), finished my rough draft for my report, and didn't have to actually go outside during the bomb drill.

Yippee for Me!

I stil have a shitload of work ahead of me before I can leave Wisconsin though. No rest for the 'llama.

wishing mark a very happy birthday. hope it's a good one.

and thanks for sorabjiland.

Took the job. Now it gets interesting!

congrats, sem! seems like this has been a long road for you.

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actually, it's been pretty short. Too short, since I don't have a lot of time to get things done before I move.

in any case, an adventure to be sure! good luck, sem!

Calling payphones

answering them